i should go to bed. but instead here i am, laying in the dark, typing this on my phone. this happens several times a month, nights where i desperately toss and turn in my bed before finally i give up and grab my phone. i open a new note, and start to type. it sounds cliche to say that "writing is my escape", and it’s not quite accurate either. for me, writing is and always has been a coping mechanism.
a couple of years ago while we were moving i uncovered a dusty notebook, and as i was flipping through it i came upon a page that contained the words "I LOVE [insert name of first grade crush]" about seven times, and under that "[insert name of other girl vying for his attention] STAY AWAY FROM HIM" (yes i know i know, i was straight savage even back then.) the point of all this being, writing helps me work through stuff, especially emotional stuff. if my two options are furiously rage-typing into my phone for 45 minutes straight or crying in the back of the MTD, i'm gonna pick the first one (true story, and i only cried a little bit).
overthinking things late at night is one of my specialties, and my 1AM rants are a compelling mixture of legendary brilliance and utter trash. sometimes i just have too many thoughts in my head, but if i can get them down on paper (or more likely, in my notes app) usually i can calm down enough to go to sleep. even now, i should be sleeping but i've been thinking about saying some of these things for like a month now and so i need to write them out.
however i have written endless essays, applications, and coherent arguments this way, so i guess it's both a blessing and a curse. but the fact that late at night i think i'm the best freaking writer in the world is not so good. because then if i'm looking at it in the morning, the cringing starts happening, or god forbid, i found out i sent it to someone else that night. sometimes late at night i just really feel eloquent and enlightened, but it's also my 16th hour of straight consciousness and i'm physically holding one eye open, so none of the choices i'm making are really great. i just have to write the thing then or i'll feel unbearably restless.
it's really hard to describe why writing helps me think through things so well. i think i just have the tendency to get overwhelmed and not think logically when i keep things in my head. for example, when i think i have a lot of homework and start getting really stressed over it, i'll write down everything i need to do and see if it's actually as much as i thought it was originally. most of the time it isn't, but if it is, then at least i have a list of things i need to freak out about.
writing has gotten me through some of the worst points in my life. but the soothing emptiness that follows after i finish getting all of my thoughts out and my brain goes blissfully quiet is at times essential for me to continue to be a productive human being. the urge to write might not always come at the most convenient time, but i think in the end it's almost always worth it. also, sometimes it's fun to go back in the morning and read the stupid stuff i wrote while i was in a frantic, sleep-deprived state of mind.
Wow! I really like the humor you put into this post. I think it is really interesting the way that you work through everything in your writing.
ReplyDeleteNice post. You are a really good writer. Sometimes just the act of writing helps to make sense of thoughts, and the silence is such a relief when when we open up our heads and let out the thoughts buzzing in our heads.
ReplyDeleteI love this post; thanks for opening up to us, and tbh, only you could accomplish that with a sense of humor. Also I think your late night voice is rly good bc this blog post is gold!
ReplyDeleteI like hearing your unfiltered thoughts at night, because they remind me of m own thoughts when I'm up late. I've tried writing in a "diary" before but it hasn't really worked, because I get lazy. I think I might try it out again, because it seems to really help you sort through your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteWhile I can't relate to your late night writing, I thought the post was well put together, and I enjoyed your writing style. Sometimes looking through old notebooks I can have some good laughs, so I can only imagine what it must be like for you. I wish you would add a little section that you wrote on one of these late tangents as an example.
ReplyDeleteI relate to this post so much, I also write late at night and can only go to sleep if my thoughts have been written down. I love the humor of this post a lot, I definitely heard your voice in it. Every sentence in this post is pure gold and very relatable, great post!
ReplyDeleteAs some other people have already pointed out, I too can connect with this post for a number of reasons. Your description of writing late and night and their relief it gives you is very well thought out and still clear cut- you don't sugar coat anything, which as a reader, I really appreciate. I'd also like to commend you for the way you structured your post. Everything seemed to melt together very nicely because of how you introduce writing so late at night then shift gears to discuss why it is so important to you as a human being. The detail and vulnerability is wonderful! Thanks for sharing! Great post!
ReplyDeleteI really like this post because it's super casual but really well written. It sounds exactly like you which is also super fun.
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