i should go to bed. but instead here i am, laying in the dark, typing this on my phone. this happens several times a month, nights where i desperately toss and turn in my bed before finally i give up and grab my phone. i open a new note, and start to type. it sounds cliche to say that "writing is my escape", and it’s not quite accurate either. for me, writing is and always has been a coping mechanism.
a couple of years ago while we were moving i uncovered a dusty notebook, and as i was flipping through it i came upon a page that contained the words "I LOVE [insert name of first grade crush]" about seven times, and under that "[insert name of other girl vying for his attention] STAY AWAY FROM HIM" (yes i know i know, i was straight savage even back then.) the point of all this being, writing helps me work through stuff, especially emotional stuff. if my two options are furiously rage-typing into my phone for 45 minutes straight or crying in the back of the MTD, i'm gonna pick the first one (true story, and i only cried a little bit).
overthinking things late at night is one of my specialties, and my 1AM rants are a compelling mixture of legendary brilliance and utter trash. sometimes i just have too many thoughts in my head, but if i can get them down on paper (or more likely, in my notes app) usually i can calm down enough to go to sleep. even now, i should be sleeping but i've been thinking about saying some of these things for like a month now and so i need to write them out.
however i have written endless essays, applications, and coherent arguments this way, so i guess it's both a blessing and a curse. but the fact that late at night i think i'm the best freaking writer in the world is not so good. because then if i'm looking at it in the morning, the cringing starts happening, or god forbid, i found out i sent it to someone else that night. sometimes late at night i just really feel eloquent and enlightened, but it's also my 16th hour of straight consciousness and i'm physically holding one eye open, so none of the choices i'm making are really great. i just have to write the thing then or i'll feel unbearably restless.
it's really hard to describe why writing helps me think through things so well. i think i just have the tendency to get overwhelmed and not think logically when i keep things in my head. for example, when i think i have a lot of homework and start getting really stressed over it, i'll write down everything i need to do and see if it's actually as much as i thought it was originally. most of the time it isn't, but if it is, then at least i have a list of things i need to freak out about.
writing has gotten me through some of the worst points in my life. but the soothing emptiness that follows after i finish getting all of my thoughts out and my brain goes blissfully quiet is at times essential for me to continue to be a productive human being. the urge to write might not always come at the most convenient time, but i think in the end it's almost always worth it. also, sometimes it's fun to go back in the morning and read the stupid stuff i wrote while i was in a frantic, sleep-deprived state of mind.
